I've gotta say that I'm liking Dennis Kucinich more and more the more I hear him. I mean, I liked him before but didn't think he had a snowball's chance in hell against Bush in '04, given that the Republican party base was still energized and the war was still relatively new and popular (to say nothing of the let-down of the '02 mid-term election). Now, however, that the Republican party is a bit demoralized after last year's loss of Congress, the decreasing popularity of the war and resulting increase in impatience for getting out, the numerous scandals and black eyes plaguing the Republicans (DeLay, Craig, Duke Cunningham, Abramoff, Libby, Gonzales, Dick Cheney shooting a dude in the face, etc.), I'm willing to upgrade his chances to a snowball's chance in purgatory.

The difficulty I predict a Kucinich presidential candidacy to have is a variation on the difficulty many Democrat candidacies have: Republicans are good at appealing to stupid people by using simplistic sound-bytes engineered to push the right buttons of your typical red-stater. Democratic positions are often nuanced and Republicans are good at appealing to people who aren't very nuanced, and even if the Republicans were to nominate somebody who'd be easy for one of the current Democratic front-runners to defeat, Kucinich might be fighting a bit of an uphill battle to counter the sort of mudslinging and spin he'd be sure to encounter. Kucinich's opposition to the death penalty (to say nothing of his veganism) would undoubtedly be used to make him seem like a weak person (Dukakis in a tank, anyone?). His opposition to the war and his support of the ABM treaty will get played as his being weak on defense (of course, ignoring his support of installing international peacekeepers in Iraq upon withdrawal of American troops). His pro-choice stance will get played up while his concurrent wish to reduce the number of abortions performed will be ignored. And there's no way he's going to be able to spin his support of gay marriage in a way that will appease even the most liberal of anti-gay bigots.

Dennis Kucinich has an ace in the hole, though. One that could prove quite beneficial to his presidential campaign. His wife is fucking hot.

Not only is she intelligent, thoughtful and well-spoken (and her British accent makes her charming to American ears), but she's also a drop-dead fox. I mean, say what you will about Fred Thompson's wife, Jeri Kehn, but I think Elizabeth Kucinich completely blows her out of the water. Not only is her work in India with orphans, her advocacy for development in Africa and her work with the American Monetary Insitute much more impressive than Kehn's media consultancy gig and work for the Republican party, but she's SO much hotter than Kehn. And she's somebody who would be much more of an asset to the White House than many other potential First Ladies. She's got a Master's degree in International Conflict Analysis, fer chrissakes -- how useful would that be? Like, what world leader wouldn't be willing to sit down at the table with the American president, if the table might also seat his insanely good-looking wife? Hell, maybe we could use her to coax Bin Laden out of hiding (we already know he's got a thing for Whitney Houston and Elizabeth Kucinich is DEFINITELY hotter [and less crack-addicted] than Whitney Houston).

This, then, is my advice for the Kucinich campaign: appeal to the baser instincts of the Republican voting bloc by blatantly using sex appeal. When you do your campaigning in red and swing states, run the following alongside your typical "Dennis Kucinich for President" ads: "Elizabeth Kucinich for First Lady".

I see a nation of blue states already.

ETA: I had nearly forgotten this, but it seems worth mentioning. I had a similarly brilliant idea for the Kerry campaign in 2004: that John Kerry promise to make men's penises bigger if elected. This, I feel, is a nearly unassailable position. If Bush had stated that as president Kerry wouldn't have had any power over penis size, Kerry could have countered with something like "What does George W. Bush have against large penises? How can we ever hope to defeat al Qaeda when the average penis in America is 5 or 6 inches? A vote for me is a vote for a thick 9-incher." Given the complete lack of rhetorical understanding that the voting public as a whole has, such techniques would have worked. Did Kerry follow my advice? Of course not. And who won that election? Hm?